Family Focus Friday: Domestic Violence is Intolerable

This is just more lip service to a problem that is always swept under the rug and minimized in the military.  As a military spouse and victim of domestic violence in the military for over a decade, I speak from experience.  Domestic Violence by service members is minimized and what would be a serious civilian offense in disregarded when a service member is given a “courtesy turnover” by civilian authorities.  Often the active duty member removes these “courtesy turnover chits” from their military record while changing commands during PCS and TAD and they are allowed to resume their abuse in a new state without a criminal civilian record and without any record of their violent history in their military record.
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DON’T ASK DON’T TELL say more about the military’s attitude towards Domestic Violence.  Although substance abuse does not cause DOMESTIC VIOLENCE it is often a contributing factor.  Go into any emergency room in any military medical facility and you will see two signs on the wall… one that reads, “Medical Staff Required to Report Abuse”, and  “ZERO TOLERANCE FOR ALCOHOL RELATED INCIDENTS”.  Most victims have had beaten into them long before they seek medical attention for their “ACCIDENTS” that if they report what has happened to them that they will not receive help.  Policies such as the ZERO Tolerance for alcohol related incidents also prevent third party witnesses of abuse from reporting abuse or speaking out as this policy is extended to everyone, whether witness, victim or perpetrator with very serious consequences.  These policies also affect service members that wish to report sexual harassment, rape, and other serious offenses.  There is a fear instilled in both witnesses and victims by the DOD policies that prevents early detection and prevention.
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Most victims are told again and again by their abuser that if they report abuse and any action is actually ever taken that what will result is that the service member will be sent to mass, etc… lose pay, be forced to leave housing or possibly even the service and this will in turn leave the victim(s) who are already isolated and financially dependent  facing retribution, homelessness and penniless in a state where they haven’t the resources or support system of family, career, or well established personal relationships.  Most abused family members are forbidden from having contact with the family service centers by their abuser, and often do not even know that those services are available to them.  Most abused family members are not even aware of family care plans, liaisons or ombudsmen, and if they are they are forbidden from making contact.  And there is not easy access to victims’ advocates and assistance.  Most abused victims cannot risk leaving their phone numbers and waiting for a call back.  There isn’t any privacy in reporting incidences and the abuser is notified immediately once a victim requests assistance.  Often abusers are calm and quiet collected following abuse where as victims are in a panic state and complaints by victims are not taken seriously.
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I had the personal joy of having an abuser that made sure to volunteer at base security while we lived in housing and volunteer as a game warden on base.  This allowed him to maintain his guns in housing and for use in his abuses and at every response by base security to the domestic violence calls placed by our neighbors; he was simply quietly escorted to the transportation yard to “sleep it off in a duty bunk”. Often to return the next day even more enraged and abusive for HIS humiliation, as though he were the victim.  I was not the only victim of my abuser, following arrest by shore patrol and investigation of rape by NCIS, my abuser was allowed to resume his career and return to housing after his other victim was no longer able to be located.  Following the rape, family counseling was “recommended” for my abuser if he was to return to housing.  He went to one appointment, but it was only a recommendation.  Of course the military seems to prefer that such problems quietly resolve themselves with as little official involvement as possible.�
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We need change.  It would be nice to see the military be a leader and set a positive example for the rest of this country instead of lagging behind.  Domestic Violence is not just a family problem; it is a problem for our society as a whole.  The effects of domestic violence in the home on children who witness abuse are devastating.   Children from abusive families are more likely to have substance abuse issues as adults, lack empathy, suffer from mental health issues and become perpetrators or victims of violent relationships and crime.  One in three women has been abused by a relationship partner and 85% of the male prison population in this country was exposed to violence in the home as a children.  The costs of prisons, rehabs and mental health care are already overwhelming in this country both on a state and federal level.  Education, prevention and early intervention are more cost effective than the alternatives.
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There needs to be education as to the dynamics of domestic violence and recognizing and treating it.  There need to be policy changes within the DOD to make reporting domestic violence by victims or witnesses confidential and without fear.  Perpetrators need to be able to ask for or receive treatment without fear before their problems escalate.  The DOD also falls short in treating laconism in the military, and those policies also need to be addressed.  Family Service Centers, Housing Offices, and Victims Advocacy needs to be better funded to address domestic issues and assure that there is an ease of access to services, support, and education.  Dependents need to have a verified line of communication as to what services are available and how to get help.  Family Service Centers are underfunded and medical personnel and security forces are undereducated as to how to recognize and address domestic violence and abuse.�
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There needs to be changes made in how domestic violence, abuse, and rape are reported, recorded, and how those records are maintained.  Although most military families with children will try to “homestead” in one location for the stability of their family, an abusive service member prefers to take advantage of the opportunity to change commands, duty stations, and states as often as possible.  This leaves victims of abuse isolated and without the advantage of the authorities being aware that the abuse has been an ongoing problem which requires intervention, especially in cases where service members alter their service records during transfer as to not reflect a negative history.  It is beyond me why service members are given their military records during transfers and that they are not forwarded to the prospective new duty stations independently.  There also needs to be policies and services put in place for former spouses of abuse that have ongoing issues with active duty service members related to child custody, visitation, family care plans, and facilitation of benefits for those children.
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Domestic Violence does not have to be the epidemic that it has become.  Too often we read of the latest murder suicide involving domestic violence, and many of those cases are related to service members.  A problem doesn’t go away or resolve itself if you close your eyes, ears and mind to it.  Don’t ask, don’t tell policies don’t end domestic violence, abuse, sexual harassment, and rape.